Internal Freedom Requires Acceptance Of Mind's Importance In Relationships
December 15th, 2010 11:09 AM
Human relationships are an intrinsic part of our lives. One can’t be a human being without having relationships, simply because we are not born from nothing into emptiness; we are born from a relationship into a relationship and from there into a multitude of relationships.
We like to think of relationships as taking place between two people. I’d like to suggest a dramatically different way of looking at this: Relationships happen in the mind, not in between people. Even people who think of themselves as being alone, in their minds they entertain relationships, at least unconsciously.
Let’s look at this more closely: Two individuals greeting each other, shaking hands, looking into each others eyes and smiling. While they are busy doing this, they may think (consciously or unconsciously) what the other person’s smile means, what they think of each other, how they like or dislike the other person, and so on. What we think about others comes from our own minds, meaning, the relationship is made of what is in our minds, which are beliefs and thoughts. In psychological terms this means: Perception is projection.
If I think someone is stupid, it is because I believe that I am stupid, otherwise I could not have this judgment. The thought of stupidity does not jump from “out there” into my mind and form a thought here; it comes from my own mind, and it will stay in my mind. We cannot get rid of thoughts by projecting them outside; they remain with us. People are what we believe them to be: What we see in others and how we understand their behaviours is created by our own unconscious beliefs about ourselves, and this is how we create, moment by moment, our experiences of “others,” believing they are creating an impression in us. Can you see how absurd that is?
And yet our society still believes the old way. We are raised hearing from our parents “you make me mad, or you make me happy if you do such and such.” We still like to believe that others make us feel good or bad. Why? It’s because the ego, the part of our mind which is based on fear and guilt, has as its main motivation to prove ourselves to be innocent, and others to be guilty. Why? Because this part of our minds believes we are guilty – when of course we are not – and it’s unbearable to be a “bad guy,” so we make others the “bad guys,” be that our loved ones, or the terrorists out there.
The proof that we are still thinking the old way is the fact that most of the time when we feel upset, we believe it is because of someone or something else. And we all do it. It’s automatic.
If it were true that others “make” us happy or sad, and not ourselves, then they would be truly responsible for how we feel and we would be justified to blame them. We would be eternally victims to them without any chance of freeing ourselves from suffering. But the truth is that we ourselves believe we are what we see in others, in each moment. The liberating potential lies in our willingness to admit what we do in our minds, and start to undo it.
How can you start this process of internal freedom? Choose your main relationship and pick a situation where you feel upset about this person. Let’s say you feel she/he has let you down. Now let’s take the projection back and say “I have let myself down.” Allow yourself to feel that and realize that your belief of you being let down is in itself an example of you letting yourself down, because you make yourself a victim when you’re not. Then forgive yourself; let it go.
As another example, each time you find yourself judging people as being stingy, rude, obnoxious, unkind, lying, etc., understand that you necessarily believe these things about yourself; you are having the thought. And then, as the last step, remember this: It is the ego which carries all these negative beliefs about you, but in truth you are not the ego.
We are not our body, we are not our emotions, we are not our thoughts, we are not our problems. We are pure consciousness, which is love and peace. All those negative thoughts we can’t bear and project onto others are nothing but a defence against the truth that we are spirit beings, united in oneness, having a human dream.
Marlise Witschi, M.Psych., is a Registered Clinical Counsellor in West Vancouver and Whistler. 778-828-8773 www.internalfreedom.com
Copyright North Shore Magazine Issue Aug - Sep 08
We like to think of relationships as taking place between two people. I’d like to suggest a dramatically different way of looking at this: Relationships happen in the mind, not in between people. Even people who think of themselves as being alone, in their minds they entertain relationships, at least unconsciously.
Let’s look at this more closely: Two individuals greeting each other, shaking hands, looking into each others eyes and smiling. While they are busy doing this, they may think (consciously or unconsciously) what the other person’s smile means, what they think of each other, how they like or dislike the other person, and so on. What we think about others comes from our own minds, meaning, the relationship is made of what is in our minds, which are beliefs and thoughts. In psychological terms this means: Perception is projection.
If I think someone is stupid, it is because I believe that I am stupid, otherwise I could not have this judgment. The thought of stupidity does not jump from “out there” into my mind and form a thought here; it comes from my own mind, and it will stay in my mind. We cannot get rid of thoughts by projecting them outside; they remain with us. People are what we believe them to be: What we see in others and how we understand their behaviours is created by our own unconscious beliefs about ourselves, and this is how we create, moment by moment, our experiences of “others,” believing they are creating an impression in us. Can you see how absurd that is?
And yet our society still believes the old way. We are raised hearing from our parents “you make me mad, or you make me happy if you do such and such.” We still like to believe that others make us feel good or bad. Why? It’s because the ego, the part of our mind which is based on fear and guilt, has as its main motivation to prove ourselves to be innocent, and others to be guilty. Why? Because this part of our minds believes we are guilty – when of course we are not – and it’s unbearable to be a “bad guy,” so we make others the “bad guys,” be that our loved ones, or the terrorists out there.
The proof that we are still thinking the old way is the fact that most of the time when we feel upset, we believe it is because of someone or something else. And we all do it. It’s automatic.
If it were true that others “make” us happy or sad, and not ourselves, then they would be truly responsible for how we feel and we would be justified to blame them. We would be eternally victims to them without any chance of freeing ourselves from suffering. But the truth is that we ourselves believe we are what we see in others, in each moment. The liberating potential lies in our willingness to admit what we do in our minds, and start to undo it.
How can you start this process of internal freedom? Choose your main relationship and pick a situation where you feel upset about this person. Let’s say you feel she/he has let you down. Now let’s take the projection back and say “I have let myself down.” Allow yourself to feel that and realize that your belief of you being let down is in itself an example of you letting yourself down, because you make yourself a victim when you’re not. Then forgive yourself; let it go.
As another example, each time you find yourself judging people as being stingy, rude, obnoxious, unkind, lying, etc., understand that you necessarily believe these things about yourself; you are having the thought. And then, as the last step, remember this: It is the ego which carries all these negative beliefs about you, but in truth you are not the ego.
We are not our body, we are not our emotions, we are not our thoughts, we are not our problems. We are pure consciousness, which is love and peace. All those negative thoughts we can’t bear and project onto others are nothing but a defence against the truth that we are spirit beings, united in oneness, having a human dream.
Marlise Witschi, M.Psych., is a Registered Clinical Counsellor in West Vancouver and Whistler. 778-828-8773 www.internalfreedom.com
Copyright North Shore Magazine Issue Aug - Sep 08
