I wonder if sometimes our intimate relationships suffer because we expect our partner to meet too many of our needs: Lover, friend, mother/father, supporter, co-worker, confidante, soul mate and much, much more. Friends can lighten this burden. So, with Valentines fast approaching, perhaps this year you’ll remember not just your closest loved ones, but all your chosen friends who play such important roles in your life.

When people have strong relationships outside the “intimate unit” it relieves some of the pressure on the partner to meet all our needs – and gives the relationship some much-needed breathing room. But this goes both ways – when we have no intimate relationship or close family to rely upon, sometimes we expect too much from our friendships.

In a busy and increasingly impersonal world where families are spread across the country, or even the globe, friends play an ever more important role in our lives. They become our surrogate families or community -- friends really are the family we choose these days. And that makes valuing and appreciating our friendships more important than ever.

Our friends are people to have fun with, commiserate with and to get advice or support from. They are the people who energize, inspire and encourage us, people who nurture parts of our personalities that perhaps don’t get out very often. And as well as giving our immediate family some breathing room, friends are also simply people to “be” ourselves with.

So, how can we value and appreciate our friends?

I don’t believe we choose friends; we recognize or are drawn to them. And like intimate attraction, this recognition often happens at a sub-conscious level. It may be through identified similarities – they are like us. Or it may be that we’re drawn to someone because they have admirable qualities or we simply enjoy being around them. Whatever it is, our good friends often draw out the best in us.

Take a moment to reflect on your core friendships -- who are your top five friends? What is it about your friends that drew you to them? What do you enjoy about them? What qualities do you admire in them?

As George Bernard Shaw said, "The only service a friend can really render is to keep up your courage by holding up to you a mirror in which you can see a noble image of yourself."

So, one way to appreciate your friends is to pick a quality you admire and ask them how they do it. Try:
•    “You’re so at ease with everyone, how do you do that?” or
•    “You’re so good at saying ‘no’, how do you do that?” or perhaps
•    “I really love the way you handle negative people – what tips could you give me?”

Not only will you be paying them a huge compliment you may be surprised by what you learn! And if this is too hard, Maya Angelou suggests, "I've learned that every day you should reach out and touch someone. People love a warm hug, or just a friendly pat on the back." You could just give your friend a warm, meaningful hug.

Why not? When we stop to notice what people add to our lives, it makes us appreciate them more. And who doesn’t love being appreciated? So, in the days and weeks ahead, perhaps you’ll take a little time to notice and appreciate your friends.


Emma-Louise Elsey is a Certified Life-Coach and NLP 604-990-9068 emma@simplicitylifecoaching.com

Copyright North Shore Magazine Issue Feb - Mar 08