Giving Your Power Away, And How To Take It Back
December 23rd, 2010 04:57 AM
“You make me mad.” “The weather makes me feel low.” “You make me so happy.”
Most of us speak like this and actually mean it. But if it was true that other people or circumstances created our feelings, we would be their puppets and their victims. They would be the cause of our distress or joy. And that is what we somehow believe.
It is very handy to blame our feelings and experiences on others -- it becomes their responsibility to change in order to make us happy. We don’t need to do much except to remind them that they are making us unhappy and that they better change.
This sounds crude, doesn’t it? But let’s face it; this is how we most often behave.
The payoff of the belief that others make us feel bad (or good), is that we don’t need to take responsibility for our choices and our lives. The way we are and the difficulties we have are then not our fault, we think; it is the fault of our parents, our boss, our partners, etc. On the other hand, if we believe we are responsible for what others feel, we will not speak our truth for fear of “hurting them,” “rejecting them”or “making them angry.” This then may become a source of resentments against ourselves or others.
In this belief system, the world has the power and we don’t; we are the recipients, the innocent victims. As long as we think and behave that way we will be unable to truly heal from our afflictions, and we will have trouble letting go of the past to be truly emotionally free.
Thankfully, it is not true that events or other people create our feelings. Nor is it true that we create feelings in others. It is our own thoughts about events and other people that create our feelings. In other words, our interpretation of the world creates our experience, not the world itself. It is our mind which affects us, not other people!
We may have some objections to this affirmation. After all, do we not all have spouses, parents and friends who drive us nuts sometimes? Your spouse may be coming home late or working too much, but it is still us choosing to take it personally and feel upset and hurt. You could also choose to think that your partner must have a good time, that this is fun, and that you go out sometimes as well. In this case your feelings would be more peaceful -- not needing the partner to do anything different to “make us feel better.”
It is easy to see how these two scenarios create different atmospheres in a relationship. In the first one there will be blame and possibly defence, resulting in a fight. There is a need for the partner to behave differently, that he/she needs to change for us. Thoughts may sound like: “I love you if you behave in a certain way; if you don’t, you make me suffer, and then I don’t love you.” Love here depends on the fulfillment of our perceived needs; it is merely conditional.
In the second scenario, there is harmony and peacefulness. We allow our partner and others to do be and do how and what they want, so our love is then unconditional. (I do not include abusive relationships and do not recommend staying there.)
This does not mean we can’t express our preferences. We can, and it is then the other person’s choice to change or not. When people behave in negative ways, it is because they have fearful thoughts; fear tells us to attack (this may be any form of negative expression.) We do not need to approve of negative behaviours, and we may choose to not take them personally, knowing they are expressions of the fear of the other person.
With children, we may correct them when they make mistakes, but our feelings of acceptance and love can remain intact, even when we disagree with their actions.
With this attitude of conscious choice we can feel free inside, knowing that our wellbeing does not depend on others. This attitude does not come automatically. On the contrary, the blaming attitude often kicks in like a knee-jerk reflex before we can even think. But then we can catch ourselves and remember that our true essence is peace and wholeness, we are nobody’s victims. Therefore we can choose to feel peaceful instead of angry or hurt, if that is what we want. And if we prefer to feel angry, that’s fine too; let’s just admit that this was our own choice.
To realize that we choose our own thoughts and feelings is the key in healing. It is also the key to great relationships and a happy life.
Marlise Witschi, M.Psych., is a Registered Clinical Counsellor practicing in Whistler and West Vancouver. 778-828-8773. www.internalfreedom.com
Copyright North Shore Magazine Issue Dec 07-Jan 08
Most of us speak like this and actually mean it. But if it was true that other people or circumstances created our feelings, we would be their puppets and their victims. They would be the cause of our distress or joy. And that is what we somehow believe.
It is very handy to blame our feelings and experiences on others -- it becomes their responsibility to change in order to make us happy. We don’t need to do much except to remind them that they are making us unhappy and that they better change.
This sounds crude, doesn’t it? But let’s face it; this is how we most often behave.
The payoff of the belief that others make us feel bad (or good), is that we don’t need to take responsibility for our choices and our lives. The way we are and the difficulties we have are then not our fault, we think; it is the fault of our parents, our boss, our partners, etc. On the other hand, if we believe we are responsible for what others feel, we will not speak our truth for fear of “hurting them,” “rejecting them”or “making them angry.” This then may become a source of resentments against ourselves or others.
In this belief system, the world has the power and we don’t; we are the recipients, the innocent victims. As long as we think and behave that way we will be unable to truly heal from our afflictions, and we will have trouble letting go of the past to be truly emotionally free.
Thankfully, it is not true that events or other people create our feelings. Nor is it true that we create feelings in others. It is our own thoughts about events and other people that create our feelings. In other words, our interpretation of the world creates our experience, not the world itself. It is our mind which affects us, not other people!
We may have some objections to this affirmation. After all, do we not all have spouses, parents and friends who drive us nuts sometimes? Your spouse may be coming home late or working too much, but it is still us choosing to take it personally and feel upset and hurt. You could also choose to think that your partner must have a good time, that this is fun, and that you go out sometimes as well. In this case your feelings would be more peaceful -- not needing the partner to do anything different to “make us feel better.”
It is easy to see how these two scenarios create different atmospheres in a relationship. In the first one there will be blame and possibly defence, resulting in a fight. There is a need for the partner to behave differently, that he/she needs to change for us. Thoughts may sound like: “I love you if you behave in a certain way; if you don’t, you make me suffer, and then I don’t love you.” Love here depends on the fulfillment of our perceived needs; it is merely conditional.
In the second scenario, there is harmony and peacefulness. We allow our partner and others to do be and do how and what they want, so our love is then unconditional. (I do not include abusive relationships and do not recommend staying there.)
This does not mean we can’t express our preferences. We can, and it is then the other person’s choice to change or not. When people behave in negative ways, it is because they have fearful thoughts; fear tells us to attack (this may be any form of negative expression.) We do not need to approve of negative behaviours, and we may choose to not take them personally, knowing they are expressions of the fear of the other person.
With children, we may correct them when they make mistakes, but our feelings of acceptance and love can remain intact, even when we disagree with their actions.
With this attitude of conscious choice we can feel free inside, knowing that our wellbeing does not depend on others. This attitude does not come automatically. On the contrary, the blaming attitude often kicks in like a knee-jerk reflex before we can even think. But then we can catch ourselves and remember that our true essence is peace and wholeness, we are nobody’s victims. Therefore we can choose to feel peaceful instead of angry or hurt, if that is what we want. And if we prefer to feel angry, that’s fine too; let’s just admit that this was our own choice.
To realize that we choose our own thoughts and feelings is the key in healing. It is also the key to great relationships and a happy life.
Marlise Witschi, M.Psych., is a Registered Clinical Counsellor practicing in Whistler and West Vancouver. 778-828-8773. www.internalfreedom.com
Copyright North Shore Magazine Issue Dec 07-Jan 08
