Why Guilt Can Be Good For You
December 23rd, 2010 05:34 AM
As we approach the holidays and the new calendar year, rather than focus on the usual “New Year’s Resolutions” I thought it might be good to combat another fixture at this time of year – guilt!
Why do we feel guilt? What is it? What can you do about it?
Guilt is often seen to be a bad thing because we allow it to drain us. But it can actually be good for us, letting us know we have made a choice that goes against one of our values -- something important to us. For example, whether people actually celebrate Christmas or not, the holiday season usually gets incredibly busy. And this means that sometimes (in order to preserve our sanity) we need to say “no” to others’ invitations, wants and needs.
Take the example of turning down a holiday party with a cherished friend so you could have a night in by yourself or with your family. You probably have a conflict of values right there. You have met one value – in this case it could be your family or your health and well-being. And by doing this it went against another of your values – your cherished friendships or your value of being kind to or supporting others.
The great thing is that once you recognize this you can do something about it. Maybe you will reschedule some quality time with your cherished friend. Maybe you will just choose to accept that you cannot please everyone all of the time. After all, if you had said “yes” to your friend you would have been saying “no” to your family, or your sleep and health.
We cannot avoid these conflicts – they are a part of being human. Guilt is a useful reminder for us to check we are making the right choices. So, what can you do next time you feel guilt? Well, you could try asking yourself:
• “By making that choice, what value/s of mine did I meet?” then,
• “What value/s did I meet instead?”
This helps you understand where your guilt is coming from. Once you understand where it comes from, you can decide whether you need to do something about it. And if you just can’t shake off the guilt-feeling it may be that you need to take action or make amends. It may be that you need to apologize or find a meaningful way to make it up to them.
Then if you still have regrets (perhaps you’re feeling guilty over something which happened a while ago) you could perhaps donate some money or time to a related charity or cause. You can’t change the past, but you can change how you feel going forwards. It’s amazing how by taking action we can let go of whatever is bothering us – and release the guilt.
So, a little guilt is good – it keeps us on track and acts as an internal barometer, letting us know when we have an internal conflict. Remember to ask, “What values of mine did I not meet?” and “What values did I meet instead?” And if the guilt won’t go away, make amends. When you begin to do this, you may be surprised by how much easier your life gets!
Emma-Louise Elsey is a Certified Life-Coach and NLP practitioner. 604-990-9068 begin_of_the_skype_highlighting 604-990-9068 end_of_the_skype_highlighting www.simplicitylifecoaching.com
Copyright North Shore Magazine Issue Dec 07-Jan 08
Why do we feel guilt? What is it? What can you do about it?
Guilt is often seen to be a bad thing because we allow it to drain us. But it can actually be good for us, letting us know we have made a choice that goes against one of our values -- something important to us. For example, whether people actually celebrate Christmas or not, the holiday season usually gets incredibly busy. And this means that sometimes (in order to preserve our sanity) we need to say “no” to others’ invitations, wants and needs.
Take the example of turning down a holiday party with a cherished friend so you could have a night in by yourself or with your family. You probably have a conflict of values right there. You have met one value – in this case it could be your family or your health and well-being. And by doing this it went against another of your values – your cherished friendships or your value of being kind to or supporting others.
The great thing is that once you recognize this you can do something about it. Maybe you will reschedule some quality time with your cherished friend. Maybe you will just choose to accept that you cannot please everyone all of the time. After all, if you had said “yes” to your friend you would have been saying “no” to your family, or your sleep and health.
We cannot avoid these conflicts – they are a part of being human. Guilt is a useful reminder for us to check we are making the right choices. So, what can you do next time you feel guilt? Well, you could try asking yourself:
• “By making that choice, what value/s of mine did I meet?” then,
• “What value/s did I meet instead?”
This helps you understand where your guilt is coming from. Once you understand where it comes from, you can decide whether you need to do something about it. And if you just can’t shake off the guilt-feeling it may be that you need to take action or make amends. It may be that you need to apologize or find a meaningful way to make it up to them.
Then if you still have regrets (perhaps you’re feeling guilty over something which happened a while ago) you could perhaps donate some money or time to a related charity or cause. You can’t change the past, but you can change how you feel going forwards. It’s amazing how by taking action we can let go of whatever is bothering us – and release the guilt.
So, a little guilt is good – it keeps us on track and acts as an internal barometer, letting us know when we have an internal conflict. Remember to ask, “What values of mine did I not meet?” and “What values did I meet instead?” And if the guilt won’t go away, make amends. When you begin to do this, you may be surprised by how much easier your life gets!
Emma-Louise Elsey is a Certified Life-Coach and NLP practitioner. 604-990-9068 begin_of_the_skype_highlighting 604-990-9068 end_of_the_skype_highlighting www.simplicitylifecoaching.com
Copyright North Shore Magazine Issue Dec 07-Jan 08
