Fifty Something... Life At The Core!
December 29th, 2010 10:23 AM
What's your communication style? How do you know stuff? Where's the best environment for you to learn and to connect with what it is you know in your gut?
My husband and I had been in couples' therapy with an excellent psychiatrist weekly for about a year when we all came to the conclusion it really wasn't moving us forward. Accusations, tears and long stories sapped our energy and the hour's time all too quickly. We decided to take a break from 'processing' and seek other avenues - we weren't damning what we had been through, only recognizing that we needed a different map to get close to where we wanted to be.
Enter another style of therapist, one who wanted two hour sessions, not in a hospital setting but a small cottage - in a room which appeared calming, smelled fresh, had diffused light and even a collection of stuffed toys on the floor. Outside was a creek, lush with greenery. After a brief introduction and overview of what the sessions would entail, the first question we were asked was “ What's your communication style?” No one had ever asked me that before! Since both of us looked a little stunned, the choice of visual, kinesthetic or auditory were offered for choice.
My husband jumped on 'auditory' while I took a few minutes to think about it. I like to see things and I usually remember directions better if I drive, rather than as a passenger. In my Pilates practice, I cue with words but also with gentle tactile reinforcement as I watch subtle body movements. I definitely fall into the kinesthetic category. The next 10 minutes I spent in laughter as our therapist pantomimed a conversation between an auditory and a kinesthetic couple! No wonder we had lousy telephone conversations … I usually listened waiting until he finished, and he kept on going, wanting me to verbally reflect what I had heard, so he would know he was getting through and had agreement with the logic he was conveying. I was frustrated because I couldn't see and read his body language, maybe reach out and feel the physical vibration, pick up other signals, and he was irritated because I didn't say anything - the result was double dissatisfaction. This was news to both of us, and it opened a big door to better communication. When he attempted to make light of my need, the therapist was very serious about the reality of my style of communication. It went further, though, to a space of spirituality between a couple.
There are two ways of knowing in this world: with the head and with the heart - that is to say, with the mind and with the body. Some people believe only in what can be experienced through the senses or proved by reason. This empirical knowing, or knowing of the head, allows for analyzing, explaining and researching. Knowing of the head gives medical professionals insight into dementia, stroke and depression. This kind of knowledge is vital to human life. But it is not the only way of knowing.
Knowing of the heart taps into the imagination, the intuition or that which is beyond the senses. Knowing of the heart asks not for that which can be proven, but for that which can be experienced. Spirituality helps couples make meaning of the world around them and their experiences in that world. This spirituality follows the laws of the heart more often than the laws of the head. That's because a couple's spirituality is beyond the senses. It does not require seeing in order to believe, but rather to believe in order to see. Trust me.
Donna Stevenson is a certified Pilates practitioner and fitness leader. 604.926.7220 divaladonna@telus.net
Copyright North Shore Magazine Issue Dec 05 - Jan 06
My husband and I had been in couples' therapy with an excellent psychiatrist weekly for about a year when we all came to the conclusion it really wasn't moving us forward. Accusations, tears and long stories sapped our energy and the hour's time all too quickly. We decided to take a break from 'processing' and seek other avenues - we weren't damning what we had been through, only recognizing that we needed a different map to get close to where we wanted to be.
Enter another style of therapist, one who wanted two hour sessions, not in a hospital setting but a small cottage - in a room which appeared calming, smelled fresh, had diffused light and even a collection of stuffed toys on the floor. Outside was a creek, lush with greenery. After a brief introduction and overview of what the sessions would entail, the first question we were asked was “ What's your communication style?” No one had ever asked me that before! Since both of us looked a little stunned, the choice of visual, kinesthetic or auditory were offered for choice.
My husband jumped on 'auditory' while I took a few minutes to think about it. I like to see things and I usually remember directions better if I drive, rather than as a passenger. In my Pilates practice, I cue with words but also with gentle tactile reinforcement as I watch subtle body movements. I definitely fall into the kinesthetic category. The next 10 minutes I spent in laughter as our therapist pantomimed a conversation between an auditory and a kinesthetic couple! No wonder we had lousy telephone conversations … I usually listened waiting until he finished, and he kept on going, wanting me to verbally reflect what I had heard, so he would know he was getting through and had agreement with the logic he was conveying. I was frustrated because I couldn't see and read his body language, maybe reach out and feel the physical vibration, pick up other signals, and he was irritated because I didn't say anything - the result was double dissatisfaction. This was news to both of us, and it opened a big door to better communication. When he attempted to make light of my need, the therapist was very serious about the reality of my style of communication. It went further, though, to a space of spirituality between a couple.
There are two ways of knowing in this world: with the head and with the heart - that is to say, with the mind and with the body. Some people believe only in what can be experienced through the senses or proved by reason. This empirical knowing, or knowing of the head, allows for analyzing, explaining and researching. Knowing of the head gives medical professionals insight into dementia, stroke and depression. This kind of knowledge is vital to human life. But it is not the only way of knowing.
Knowing of the heart taps into the imagination, the intuition or that which is beyond the senses. Knowing of the heart asks not for that which can be proven, but for that which can be experienced. Spirituality helps couples make meaning of the world around them and their experiences in that world. This spirituality follows the laws of the heart more often than the laws of the head. That's because a couple's spirituality is beyond the senses. It does not require seeing in order to believe, but rather to believe in order to see. Trust me.
Donna Stevenson is a certified Pilates practitioner and fitness leader. 604.926.7220 divaladonna@telus.net
Copyright North Shore Magazine Issue Dec 05 - Jan 06
